


To Shed One's Skin

by dragongirltwelve



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:42:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25640788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragongirltwelve/pseuds/dragongirltwelve
Summary: When Janus is acting stranger than normal, Virgil confronts him in his room and finds something he never expected.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders
Comments: 18
Kudos: 74





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, thanks so much for reading this! 
> 
> First of all, kudos to my AMAZING friend and beta-reader, NeoLight! You should definitely check his work out!!!
> 
> This is my first fanfiction, so if you have any advice or criticism I would really appreciate if you could tell me in the comments! 
> 
> I am aware that there has been some disagreement in the fandom over the nature of Janus and Virgil's past. The way I'm writing this, their relationship while they were "dark sides" was strained but not abusive. 
> 
> The other sides might make an appearance; I haven't really decided yet. 
> 
> Once again, thank you so much for reading, and I hope you enjoy it!!!

Things in the mindscape had been pretty stressful lately. 

Deceit - no, _Janus -_ had been showing up more often, prompted by Patton to become familiar with the light sides' domain. Although Roman had made up with Patton, it seemed he had made it his new calling to avoid Janus like the plague. He now spent much more time in his room, to Patton's dismay. 

Roman wasn't the only one Patton had to worry about. Virgil had apparently decided to follow in Roman's footsteps, although he took it a step further by ignoring pretty much everyone as he passed days in his room in an apparent self-quarantine. He still would visit occasionally, but very rarely, and never when Janus was around. 

Logan had accepted Patton's apology for expelling him from the last video (as well as a _very_ confusing "apology" from Janus that he was pretty sure Patton forced, or at least enticed, him into) but he was clearly still upset at having been pushed aside so quickly, especially after his work with Remus. 

In fact, Remus himself had been showing up in the mindscape too, much to Patton's chagrin and Janus' embarrassment. There was clearly some tension between the two of them, and although Patton wasn't _certain,_ he was pretty sure it had something to do with a certain insult that had been aimed at Roman. 

All in all, Patton's famILY was crumbling around him- and if all that wasn't enough, Janus had started acting strange as well. 

Patton was suddenly ripped from his pondering as the snakey side himself rounded the corner.

"Hey, De-- I mean, Janus!" he called, running over to meet him. "Would you like to come by for dinner?" 

"I'd _love_ to, Patton."

"Great!" Patton crowed, not picking up on his lie. "What time do you think--" 

"No!" blurted Janus. "No, that-- that's not what I meant." 

"Oh… well, would you like to watch a movie or something later tonight?" 

"I'm really _in_ the mood," Janus snapped.

"Um, are you feeling alright? You look kind of… dull?" 

"For your information, Patton, I'm _perfectly fine_. Tha-that's not a lie." 

"Are you sure? You seem… kind of sick, actually. You should know, I'm the best at taking care of my kiddos! Do you want soup? I can make you soup-" 

"Just _shut up!"_ Janus snarled, ending Patton's rambling. "I already told you, I am _fine._ Now do you have something actually important to ask me? No? Then go run along and bother someone else." 

Patton shrank back, tears welling up in his eyes. Immediately, Janus' stomach dropped. What had he been thinking? Patton was the only "light side" who'd really accepted him, and now what? Had he screwed it all up? Would he have to go back to being the villain all because he'd lost his temper once? "Patton, I'm sorry-" 

"As if, snake," an angry voice cut in. Janus silently cursed his luck as Virgil stormed into the hallway. "What's _wrong_ with you?" 

_You have no idea,_ Janus thought. 

"I'm waiting," Virgil scowled. 

Janus stepped back. "I think we're done here," he hissed. "I have nothing to say to you." 

"That's a new one." 

Oh, _why_ did Virgil always have to be so difficult? "I don't mean it. I'm _not_ leaving." 

He knew how much Virgil always hated puzzling out his lies, even when they were simple. Virgil was always paranoid about unseen meanings. With a nod to Patton, Janus sunk out to his room. He could just hear Virgil shout something Janus was pretty sure he wasn't supposed to say around Patton. 

\----- 

Janus rose up in his room and immediately felt a sickening rush of vertigo. He stood as still and straight as possible as his vision faded out and his head clouded with dizziness. 

He wasn't sure, but it felt like it took longer than normal to fade. 

Once it had passed, Janus stumbled over to his bed and collapsed heavily upon it. His stomach twisted and lurched as a sudden wave of nausea hit, and he subconsciously pressed a hand to his mouth as he waited for the sickness to pass. 

_You really should eat something,_ he told himself. 

_No,_ he stubbornly replied. 

How long _had_ it been since he'd eaten? A few days at least… 

Janus never had much of an appetite around this time. 

He considered reading a book, but he found he lacked either the energy or the willpower necessary to summon one. Instead, Janus just laid on his bed and let his mind wander. 

He was partially aware of Thomas watching an old Parks and Rec episode _again,_ but he didn't care enough to focus. 

As always happens when one lays alone in a dark room, Janus' mind decided now was a good time to bring up _every transgression of his past._

It wandered first to the incident with Patton, as it was fresh in his mind and he lacked the drive to suppress it. Instead, he lay there and suffered. 

Still, his treacherous brain was far from done. Next came Remus. 

_He hates you, he hates you, you were supposed to be his friend and you threw it all away for a stupid insult. You know he's sensitive about being the "evil twin," and you went and said it anyway._

_You deserve to be alone._

Roman, of course, followed suit. 

_He's sensitive too, you prick. He'll never accept you now - you had such a good thing going, you had him on your side, and then of course you had to screw it all up._

_You should have let it slide. It wasn't anything personal, that's just the way Roman is. He was only joking about your name…_

_Your name._

_How could you have been so_ stupid? _When word gets back to Thomas on how you treated Patton, he'll hate you, and you'll have used up your only leverage._

_You're pathetic. You don't even care enough to summon a book for yourself; why would Thomas ever want you around?_

_You're supposed to keep him safe, but all the lies he's told have only made people hate him. You drag him down. You're worthless._

_No wonder Virgil left._

Crap. There it was. 

Now that he'd started down that path, he knew from experience he couldn't stop. 

_Virgil trusted you, he cared about you, and what did you do? You pushed him aside and ignored him._

_Until he started visiting the "light sides."_

_It was your idea for him to leave. You sent him away, and then you got jealous when he found out he actually_ liked _being around people that showed him kindness._

_So what did you do?_

_You lied to him and manipulated him. You_ knew _how upset he'd be if he ever found out, and you did it anyway._

_You made him duck out._

_You made him leave._

_Your fault, your fault, your -_

"Deceit?" 

Crap. 

Janus scrambled to stand up, ignoring the rush of dizziness and nausea it caused. "Virgil. What a… pleasant surprise." 

"Cut the crap, Deceit. We both know why I'm here." 

"Oh, _do_ we now?" 

"You were a giant jerk to Patton. I don't care what you did or why you did it, he's been in tears since you left and you owe him an apology." 

"Wow, what a day! I never thought _Anxiety_ would turn out to be such a knight in shining armor! Tell me, does Patton know you're here?" It was quite clear from the look on Virgil's face that he likely had no idea.

Part of Janus' addled mind noted that provoking Virgil like this was _probably_ not for the best. The rest of his mind was too grouchy to care. 

" _Honestly_ , Deceit, I don't care about whether Patton finds out. Go shout it from the rooftops for all I care! I just want you to apologise and then leave us alone." 

Virgil wasn't lying.

"And why would I do that?" Janus sniffed. Truly, he _had_ been planning on saying sorry later, but he was _not_ in the mood for any interaction at the moment, especially with someone who'd barged into his room and started yelling at him. 

"Can you not be a jerk for once in your life? I know you hate me, but this is for Patton, so get up there and APOLOGIZE!" 

"I'm the jerk?" Janus snarled, a bit taken aback by the part about _him_ hating _Virgil_. "Who's the side who left me alone with the _others_ just to galavant off to the freaking LIGHT SIDES?" 

" Don't you _dare_ bring that up, Deceit! That has nothing to do with this, and you know it!" 

"Oh, do I now? I was unaware that I knew _anything-"_

"Stop." 

"Didn't know how you felt, didn't know what it was like to be the odd one out, the villain-" 

"STOP." 

"How could I ever know _anything_ about what you went through? Not like I was there THE ENTIRE FREAKING TIME!" 

"SHUT UP!" Virgil cried, noticeably shaking.

"NO!" screamed Janus, storming forward. "YOU DON'T GET TO SAY WHAT I DID OR DIDN'T KNOW! YOU DON'T GET TO DENY THAT WE WERE THERE TOGETHER!" He was vaguely aware of tears streaming down his face, but he was too discomposed to even think of wiping them away. "YOU DON'T GET TO JUST _LEAVE ME_ LIKE NONE OF IT EVER MATTERED TO YOU!" 

Virgil paused, his eyeshadow darkening. "Deceit, I- wait, what are you--" 

That was the last thing Janus heard as he pitched forward, his vision blurring out as the ground rushed up to meet him.

  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, here we are! Once again, lots of thanks to my beta reader, NeoLight - you should definitely check him out!!! 
> 
> Without further ado, here's the second chapter! I hope you enjoy!!!

_How did I get on the floor?_

_Oh, I've fainted again._

That was Janus' first thought as the blurry greyness faded from his mind. Passing out was no surprise anymore; at this point he was just glad that he hadn't hit his head. 

Still, there was a nagging sensation that something was off - and _not_ the fact that he'd just fainted. 

"Ja-Deceit? Deceit, w-wake up!"

_Crap._

Janus opened his eyes. 

"Oh, thank-- why did you-- what _was_ that?" Virgil blustered, leaning in way too close for comfort. 

Janus scowled and tried to twist away. As he did, he noticed that Virgil was uncomfortably close for a _reason--_ he had a strong grip around Janus' torso. 

Had Virgil _caught_ him when he fainted? 

Luckily, Virgil seemed to finally realize that the position they were in was, to say the least, _extremely_ awkward. He jolted back, causing Janus to suddenly drop a couple inches and smack directly into the floor. 

Well, Janus knew from experience that it could have been a lot worse: at least the floor in his room was carpeted. Still, Virgil didn't seem to share his viewpoint. 

"Ah crap, sorry! Are you okay-- wait, no, you're obviously not! Ugh, I'm such an idiot; you've just _fainted!"_

"Virgil--" 

"I don't know how to handle this!" Virgil cried hysterically. "You just passed out right in front of me-- oh my gosh, you just passed out right in front of me! Are you hurt? Should-- should I be doing anything?"

"Virgil--" 

"I didn't even know sides _could_ faint! I mean, it makes sense, I suppose, but does that mean there's something wrong? Are you sick? Wait, can sides _DIE--"_

"VIRGIL!" 

Pausing his panicked rambling, Virgil turned toward Janus, who had managed to push himself into a sitting position. 

"Listen to me for once. I'm _fine._ I know how to take care of myself; I certainly don't need _you_ crying over me. Just… go back to the light sides, or whatever." 

"But-- but you just _fainted!_ Like, straight up keeled over! And you-- you actually _do_ look pretty sick. What's going on?" 

"Just leave, Virgil." Janus replied, keeping his voice as level as possible. "We both know you don't even want to be here; don't pretend." 

"Don't-- look, _you're_ the one who doesn't want me here, you jerk! I'm just trying to help; something's obviously wrong with you! Was that even your first time fainting?" 

"Ye-- I mean, no-- I mean--"

"So it's _not."_

"I never said that," Janus lied.

"You literally just did!" 

"Just get out," snarled Janus, grabbing the side of his bed to help him stand up. 

Of course, his leg buckled out from under him. He was just bracing himself for another hard contact with the floor when Virgil reached out and grabbed his arm, wrenching him into a standing position. 

Janus hissed and flinched away in pain, cradling his arm close to his chest. 

"Ah, crap!" Virgil cried, jolting away. "I'm sorry, are-- ugh, I need to stop asking that. Did I-- is your arm okay?" 

"Just _go,"_ Janus snarled. 

"Deceit, just _tell me what's wrong!"_

_"NOTHING IS WRONG!"_

Virgil stepped back, his face pale. 

"Virgil, I-- please, just go." 

This time, Virgil decided not to argue. Hands shaking, he backed away and sunk out. 

Janus hid his face in his hands, falling back onto his bed. 

As he drifted into an uneasy sleep, his brain repeated its familiar mantra. 

_Your fault, your fault, your fault._

\-----

Janus drifted in and out of an uneasy sleep. Bits and pieces of distorted memories swirled and morphed inside his mind as he dreamt. 

_They're in the third grade and Virgil's sobbing. He can't stop thinking about Thomas' parents dying._

_A teenage Remus in one of his bad moods. His room is on fire and he's standing in the middle of it, his skin bubbling and scorching grotesquely as he cackles and screams._

_Preteen Janus sitting in his room, noticing how the scales are starting to spread across his face._

_Six-year-old Patton yells at him because Thomas got in trouble for lying about swiping snacks. He's trying not to cry._

_Now he's in Virgil's room, a young teenager trying to help him through one of his first panic attacks. Neither of them really know what's going on._

_Virgil flinching or hiding whenever Remus is near._

_Virgil leaning against his side as they murmur about what life would be like if_ they _were the light sides._

_Virgil comes back after one of his missions with the light sides. He's smiling._

_Virgil crying, sobbing, as Janus holds him. "They don't deserve you, Virgil. They're fools, every one of them. Once we all get Thomas to accept us, nothing they do will matter anymore. It'll just be us, just our family, and we'll have everything we've ever wanted."_

_Virgil yelling at him, saying that_ Janus _is the cruel one, the real villain. The worst part is, he's right._

_And just like that, Virgil is gone._

Janus jolted awake with a gasp of breath. Sighing, he ran a hand down the serpentine side of his face, wincing at the discomfort it brought. 

_Not much longer now, I suppose._

He wondered if it would be worth it to try doing anything other than just laying on the bed. 

Well, he should at least use the bathroom. The only problem is that, despite having just taken a nap, he has absolutely no energy.

How to go about doing this?

Janus rolled onto his back. So far, so good. 

He tried to push himself upright. 

_Pain. Immediate, throbbing pain._

Janus fell back onto the bed, gasping and clutching his arm, the one Virgil grabbed to halt his fall. 

Is it dislocated? Quite possibly, but there's something else. 

Janus rolled up his sleeve. 

_Crap._

There on his arm, right where Virgil grabbed him, his scales are bruised-- a very odd sight, but he was more concerned about the thin layer of skin over them, skin that was torn and twisted. 

As much as he wanted to deny it, Janus will be shedding soon. And it seemed like it's going to be extra difficult this time.

\-----

_The first time Janus shed his skin, he was seventeen, and he probably didn't have half of the scales he did now._

_He'd thought the tendencies to swallow food without chewing much and not being able to regulate his body heat well were the worst that came with the serpentine aspects._

_Of course, life just_ had _to screw him over again._

_It had been itchy, he remembered. Itchy and frightening._

_He didn't even understand what was happening at first. When he started feeling nauseous and irritable, he'd chalked it up to a case of the flu. When his vision started to cloud in one eye, he'd worried he was going blind for some reason. It wasn't until his skin started actually peeling off that he realized what was really happening._

_Janus hid it from the others, of course, becoming even more reclusive than he already was. He was already the only one with a weird snake face; he didn't need to give them another reason to be creeped out or disgusted by him._

_Although Remus probably would have liked it._

_\-----_

Janus groaned as he examined the mangled skin. He's starting to feel the familiar itching that always comes a day or two before the shedding actually starts; uncomfortable, but mercifully, a sign that it will all be over soon. 

Still, he never would have dared venture up in the Light mindscape if he'd known he was _this_ close to shedding. It was lucky, really, that he'd been able to scare Virgil off so easily. 

Janus managed to do an awkward roll and swing his legs off the bed without using his bad arm. It's a good thing he never got under the covers. 

Finally, he was able to work himself into a sitting position. His shirt was unbearably uncomfortable against his scales - but then again, it always was during this time. With a lot of awkward maneuvering and a fair bit of pain, Janus was able to pull it off. Immediately, a wave of self-loathing settled into the pit of his stomach.

Janus had always despised seeing himself uncovered, but now, with the scales dull and itching, it was even more so. 

_At least it's not like it can get much worse than this,_ Janus mused. 

Of course, right as he thought that, his door opened and Virgil walked in. 

_I stand corrected._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading!!! If you feel inclined to do so, please leave feedback in the comments!


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